First, let's clear the air. The majority response to the first article in this series was from women who didn't feel that they had any sexy in them to speak of. We're all going to be unique, and there is no right or wrong. You be the very best you, your man will love you for it. For those who are uncomfortable with the topic...that is okay. This is safe space. We're talking about both the internal and external art of intimate lovemaking in the context of our relationships here....and I might be a little graphic for you, but it's intended to help enrich your relationship with that one person that you love with all you are. If you don't feel that way about your mate anymore, maybe this will help. My goal is that you consider this a pathway - one of many - to feel more confident, appreciative and fulfilled in the life you lead.
So to the brass tacks: I don't look like a movie star, either. Western culture has "hornswaggled" us, as my grandmother would have said. Those women that you see in the movies, with the perfect thighs and breasts - who are all a size two or less? They're paid - handsomely - to be that iconic picture. You don't want that life....working out for hours on end, constantly being on a diet, subject to no privacy and every tabloid in the world hounding you. They have an army of highly paid professional image makers to dupe you into thinking it's real - they don't look like that in the early morning light. Yes, we envy their thighs, but be yourself! I am 100% woman, and really proud of it.
That being said, let's start the bravest way I know.
- Take a look at yourself, totally naked, in a full length mirror. I want you to look for the good, not to hold yourself up to the latest starlet. See that you are unique and beautiful!
- Don't criticize...no flinching. You're amazing.
- Look deeply into your own eyes and say "I love you, just like you are. You are beautiful. You are confident. You are the only one of your kind." Can you do that?
Ladies, I'm a mom - and I have the stretch marks to prove it. I started out this way a few months back when I was in such deep, profound depression that I had to come back to my feet and find a way to love myself again. So I stood there, eyes still swollen from crying and said "I love you." I could barely mouth the words. Looking myself in the eye I made a commitment to not give up on the person that I no longer was sure of - me. I needed to love myself in a balanced, holistic way. How?
- I joined a gym, found a trainer who cares, and set to work.
- Tanning helped me relax, and increased my confidence.
- I listened to Anthony Robbins as I worked out, and music that built me up.
- I worked on affirmations, learned yoga and began to meditate.
- I let the pain go, forgave myself and all hurt or harm, and remember nothing but love.
In that process of forgiveness, I became once again the powerful, self-confident woman who God created me to be - sure, intelligent, calm and confident and infinitely sensual. I love life...do you feel that way? Do you want to?
Today, I do know my inner sex goddess - she was always part of me, but now I can own that sexuality, that sensuality without giving all my personal power away. I still need the man I love like a crazy person - I've loved him with every cell of my being from the first moment we kissed (a remarkable memory!) but I am a whole and complete person first, all on my own. Any clingy and manipulative thoughts have melted away into self confidence and stability. That's new. I am proud of my newly toned and tanned body not because of any image I'm trying to live up to, but because I like the way it feels on me. Did it change things? I like the way that my love spends hours fantasizing about some risqué rendezvous in which my favorite rhinestone encrusted heels wind up wound around his neck and his waist at the same time!
I love the intimacy that comes with a simple smile, or the text messages that drive him wild. I love that I'm in his head, in his heart and in his spirit - he's really into us. More than you needed to know, but here is my point - it's the confidence that I have in myself that oozes out of every pore in my body, that surrounds me like a glow - and people notice it without thinking "wow, there is something about her....." Being promiscuous isn't the point - I am in love, big time, with one man...and he knows it! You can have that with your man, too...and the number of years you've been together can be totally irrelevant.
Being a sex goddess is about being comfortable and healthful in your own skin. It asks that you feel a balanced and real love for your physical and spiritual self. If you don't love yourself, if you don't respect your body, your choices...no one else can. I've said it before and you will hear it all the time...the first person that you must love to be in any relationship is yourself.
If you're reading this article, perhaps your one of the hundreds of thousands of women who thinks to themselves - "I can't be a sex goddess - I'm just me." We need to understand what we mean by "sex goddess"...I will be the first person to admit that I understand feeling like more of an ugly duckling than a sensual being, but that has changed forever now that I understand a basic truth - my sensual nature is part of everything I was made to be. The balance of my personal power is held in that unique female, powerful energy that was placed inside me by what can only be called Divine love - I am a woman.
What could possibly be more important than being the sex goddess of my love's fantasies, and my own? This is the man that my world was destined to be joined with, the one that I cannot live without. I can lose myself in the blue of his eyes, on in the way that he's so beautifully tall and able to wrap protective arms around me and calm any internal storm.
Being a sensual person doesn't require the presence of my beloved. It begins and echoes through the person that is me. The greatest question that I received in response to "Inner goddess" was one of disbelief that an ordinary woman could feel like a priceless wonder of energy and love. A friend questioned the reality of spending hours in tantra like massage with her man, mainly because she was unclear on the point of it all. So let's start with the reason for researching what makes an everyday person fill with the energy of a sex goddess.
First, you as a woman have both female and male energy in you. You're a perfectly designed balance of particles, infused with tons of energy that you may or may not tap into each day. When we aren't in touch with the person that we really are - for whatever reason (we'll talk about those in a few) then we basically release that energy into nothingness. If you're dragging in at the end of the work or home day, uninspired, wanting to nuke a TV dinner instead of something that you really can live on, you're drained. The chances of feeling powerful and passionate rank pretty low on your scale when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Here is the trick of it all...you don't have to feel that way. Change your state. Change your thought process. Releasing that whole and vital you that is repressed inside of you will empower you to bring your energy back inside yourself, to prioritize and clean your world of clutter - both emotional and physical. Your inner goddess is just a really snazzy way to talk about what psych people call "self actualization." It's seeking the highest and most healthy version of you. You were created to be a sensual, vital, intelligent, whole woman.
- First, get a good night's sleep, the rise just thirty minutes earlier than everyone else in your world.
- Find a quiet comfortable place to sit and in comfortable, preferably natural light, sit with your legs crossed in front you, back straight, hands limp on bent knees.
- Focus your mind only on your breathing, deeply though the nose, out through the lips. Quiet the mind and begin to affirm yourself. "I am grateful. I am grateful for...." And begin to come aware of what in your person (mental or physical) that you are really grateful for.
- No cheating - no thinking about work, kids or even the love of your life - just you. Be incredibly grateful. Be incredibly curious. Give yourself the blessing of ten simple minutes of peace.
- Center your mind, and be aware of your body. Can you feel your arms, fingers, breasts, knees and toes? Are you aware of the air touching your skin?
- After five to ten minutes of affirmations, gently raise your arms above your head and stretch toward the sky. Breathe in on the upward, hold the stretch, and then out through your mouth in the downward until your fingers brush the floor.
- Feel the straightness of your spine - and do sit up straight. Pick something outside of yourself that you are grateful for. I say "I am grateful to God, for my life, for my living. I am grateful for my health, for the chance to experience the journey of this day. I am grateful for my husband, for our friendship and love. I am grateful for my children..." I start with the most internal and then wind slowly out, allowing the feeling of gratitude to flow through me to every cell of my person. I have a friend that does this affirmation of gratefulness as she runs in the morning. Another does it in her study for prayer time. We all have one thing in common - we're all aware of that energy in us that we bring inside ourselves every morning by being focused and clear.
Spend this day being mindful of everything that you do. Things to do:
- Be aware of the world around you. Lose the busy and the cell phone in the ear and really look around you. Take a walk at lunch, or spend some time at a window. What do you see?
- Mindfulness is a chance to be completely tuned in and focused on what is happening in your world in the present moment rather than being in the past or in the future of "to-do." Focus on right this minute.
- What did you eat today, and was it really good for you? Did you enjoy clean water or juice, did you taste fresh ingredients...avoid the life ending chemicals of the drive through window. Think green, whole foods and rich dense cheese or lean meats, even dark, rich chocolate...be kind to your body.
- What does your body feel like right now? How is the air touching you? What do you hear, what do you see...what do you smell? What are the people around you doing?
- Be aware of your thoughts, and their negative or positive energy. Instead of dwelling on anything, imagine that you cast it into a clear bubble and watch the thought drift away from you. Do not allow a thought to control you, but be mindful of your own reaction to your emotions. If you have problems getting your mind to settle down try this simple technique. Deep breath, close your eyes. Roll your eyes to the top of your head like you're looking out of the top of your skull and hold them there for a moment. Exhale. Relax your eyes. Repeat if necessary. You eyes will be downcast when you are thinking about something really hard, accessing memories...by breaking that cycle, your brain takes a break from the obsessive need to think.
What did you learn in your day of mindfulness? When you ate, did you experience every bite; notice the textures, the aroma, and the feel of your food? Did you savor the experience or find yourself rushing? When you walked outside, did you notice the sky, the sun or clouds, the wildlife? When you talked with people did you hold their gaze, notice their eyes, smile and notice how they react? Did you really listen, be attentive? Drench yourself in the energy around you, the positive energy that is life. Look at the miracle of the human race and be amazed, curious, kind. You're on your way, sex goddess. Life lesson: being aware of life allows you to actually appreciate life...not endure it.
Sensuality of Self
Being mindful of the world is a big step in the right direction - and being intimately sensual with yourself is another. Consider these great suggestions for your everyday sensual life.
- Shower with fragrant lotion based soaps that stimulate your senses. Take your time in the water, and really exfoliate your skin. Use a great smelling shampoo and conditioner, and take time to massage every part of your scalp with the soap. Be aware of the feeling of the water and the later against your skin.
- Before you're totally dry from the shower, use moisturizing lotion or baby oil on your naked skin. Remember to really touch those areas on the elbow, the knees, the feet...and don't forget those private areas that need your attention too!
- Cover your hands and feet with thick lotion or petroleum jelly and wear gloves/socks for fifteen to twenty minutes.
- Indulge in the "paws and claws" or a manicure/pedicure each month - and if that is out of reach for you, grab your favorite color of polish (clear if nothing else) and a nail file. Smooth the rough edges, scrub the nails clean, and consider using a cut lemon wedge on your nails for a natural shine.
- Get a massage once every few weeks, allowing yourself to experience the total relaxation of touch without sexual communion. They can be expensive, but check into a package deal, or look for a school of massage somewhere near you. If that's a no go, arrange with your lover to exchange massage for the purpose of relaxation...it's a wonderful way to build anticipation. I've become an excellent masseuse.
- Try something that you've never done. For me, I admit to being a lover of rock climbing (we have an indoor facility and the college offers a special year pass for $30) and zip lining. I'm not above scheduling lunch dates for climbing with friends or the hubster. I'm off to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee in the next few weeks for a massive zip line adventure. It's amazing to feel the wind in your face, to experience the adrenaline, to laugh and be totally free.
- Take a bath at least once a week. Do it right...pamper yourself! Imagine rich, creamy bubbles towering over a steamy tub. Make your own bath concoctions with a cup of milk, a splash of baby oil, and a dash of your favorite perfume. Light some candles and relax back into the water...of make it a tub for two if you're so fortunate. A bottle of wine, soft music and total relaxation. Be aware of your body, how your skin feels and how you breathe.
- Invest in a yoga DVD or take a class. Yoga is amazing for balance and self confidence!
- Indulge in fantasy. Don't be afraid to send your lover that text or IM that says...I am thinking about last night...or tonight...or whatever makes you both smile. Let your mind wander to the touch, the smell, the taste of your beloved. Notice how it makes you feel.
Once you start on this path, you will notice that you'll become creative all on your own. There is no right or wrong way, and there is no pressure for you to perform or finish by a certain date. The point for all of us is this: finding real love in this world is really tough to do. Don't let it slip away. We live in a society where relationships have become more about obligation and duty than a truly intimate connection...and if you have someone who is deeply embedded in your heart, you're among the fortunate. You deserve to be deeply and truly in love with your mate - and to have that love that you dream of for yourself as well. It all begins in you, and with your own honest love of yourself.
Imagine your connection to your love as a strong thread of pure light that goes from your heart into their heart, no matter if your standing next to each other or if you're across the world. It doesn't matter if your in harmony or separated. Imagine that light carries all the positive love that you have to that person, and then return it to you in peace and in joy. Let yourself feel the wash of love and positive energy that your connection brings. If you're upset with your love in any way, see those tendrils of gray or dark in your connection, identify them and then set them free in forgiveness. To form such a connection is a truly inspired thing - it's the essence of being mated as souls - romantically called soulmates.
So, deep breath, pick up your own pen and write out what you want in life. Draw all of your energy into yourself and simply breathe. You love, and you are loved. It's a great place to start - and if you're not in a relationship at this moment, I still include you - you love yourself first. The person of your dreams will be attracted to you when they see you shine. Never set a goal without taking immediate action on it....if you're in love, tell that person that you love them, right now! Don't wait another minute to begin the most sensual adventure of your lifetime...there is no time like now! Be that inner sex goddess with confidence....everything that you need is inside of you!
Alison is a writer focusing on life, love (and all that comes with it), wellness and mental health. You can follow her blog at http://www.todayshealthyminute.com for new articles and other resources.