Variety Is the Spice of Life

  Johanna Lyman 26 July 2011

Variety is the spice of life, right? If that's really true, then the way we approach romantic relationships pretty much dooms them to failure from the start. I've been talking with a number of people lately about how silly it is to ask a person to choose one sex partner for the rest of their lives, or to choose one gender to be sexually attracted to. Who says we have to choose? The world wasn't black and white the last time I checked, and I'm a big fan of all shades of gray.

For those of you who've read my stuff before, you might remember that I'm not a fan of monogamy.

You might also remember that I've been in a monogamous relationship for nearly twenty five years. The way that my partner and I have consciously agreed to manage the chasm between my desires and my reality is two fold.

One of the things we do is swing lightly. What this means for us is that occasionally we'll invite another woman, or another couple, into our sexual play. The men are not invited to swap, but to watch the two women play. So far, they all seem to be fine with this arrangement. We also like to talk a lot about who we might invite over for a little fun. For some couples, talking about swinging is erotic enough to spice up their relationship. They may never act on the desire, which is absolutely fine. If it works for you, then do it, whatever "it" is.

The other thing we do is something I do. It's one of the main reasons I became an exotic dancer. I love the attention of other men; I enjoy being appreciated and told I'm beautiful by different men, and I like the physical attention as well (within the safe boundaries of the club). My partner appreciates me and tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but it's nice to hear it from other men too. At the same time, my partner is a great lover; I don't need sex from other men, just extra attention. For me, dancing is a perfect outlet for my excess sexual and sensual energy.

The topic of bisexuality has come up a lot lately. Partly this is because many men have a fantasy of being with two women at the same time, and I'm happy to fulfill that fantasy for them at the club. I was bi-curious when I started dancing, but now I'm comfortable saying that I'm bisexual. I mostly prefer men, but women are delightful too, and why should I just choose one?

My admission of this has encouraged more than one customer to confess that they once got a blow job from a guy, or that they have a fantasy about giving or receiving a blow job by another man. I get so excited when someone admits that! Because the truth is, the majority of people are at least a little bisexual. Admitting that fantasy doesn't make you gay; it just means that you can appreciate the variety that nature has so bountifully provided us. After all, Baskin-Robbins makes fifty-seven flavors for a reason, as I often say.

Variety comes in all flavors, too. Monogamy is a choice; if it's a conscious choice that you willingly make then good for you. That's one flavor. I'm not judging it; in fact it worked just fine for me for a long time. I'm suggesting that if it's not fine with you, don't judge yourself because you want to choose something else. There are lots of flavors, from mild to spicy. You can pick the one that works for you, or the one that works for you and your partner. Start talking with him or her about what you each want. Sometimes that's all you need to spice things up. And if you try something that doesn't work the way you expected, just choose another flavor.

Johanna Lyman, Spiritual Love Coach, Romance Recovery: Whether You Stay or Go, Do It With Courage, Clarity and Ease

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